What About Me?
F or the last six years I have been struggling to raise a son who lives with depression and a mood disorder. It has never been identified, but he certainly has one. He is now at a 60 day minimum dual treatment center. Dual means that they will address both mental and addictions. Hopefully we will get some answers and he will be on his road to recovery with meds and specific treatment.
I also have a daughter who is four years younger than her brother. She is the most loving, caring and kind person. She loves her brother very very much. I know that his mental illness and addictions have affected her, but I didn’t know the extent.
I wish she would have said, “What about me?” sooner.
She seemed so resilient because she is such an independent person. She seemed happy, social and well adjusted like nothing different was going on in her home, even though her family life was tough, having us constantly dealing with her brother’s issues. She was always with friends, had no problems at school, and was active on the volleyball, basketball and soccer teams.
Then came High School. My daughter has been in high school for the past five months and it’s been a real stuggle. She was always an average student, but her grades were lower and she didn’t engage in school. She had no motivation and interest in going for the academics. She only wanted to go for the social aspect.
She started seeing a therapist so she could talk about her feelings about school. In the past I thought she had some focusing issues so she has been on meds for ADD. I don’t think it really helped. She continued to not do homework, not want to go to school and became withdrawn in school. She was only happy with friends. She also has gained a lot of weight in the last year. The therapist said it was from worry and she is using food as a coping mechanism.
Something was definitely wrong and she needed help.
Her therapist suggested she have full psychological testing so she immediately did. It showed that she was depressed and was anxious. The therapist agreed that a lot of this was caused by stress and anxiety caused by her worrying about her brother. She seemed fine to me. She seemed happy outside of school, but in school was a different story. She now has a 504 plan and an IEP for anxiety.
She will have a lot of accomodations and have access to the counselor at school whenever she needs to talk. She is also now exercising and has a tutor to help with school work. The good news is that her therapist says everything will start to come together in time. As she knows her brother is working hard to get better, she will focus more on school and get the help she needs outside of school. She will also eat healthier and she will lose weight.
Everything is related to stress.
Who knew that this teenager that seems so happy on the outside was suffering so terribly on the inside worrying about her brother.
I wish she would have said, “What about me?”
I would have gotten her help so much sooner. I would have not neglected her needs as I was so consumed with her brother’s needs. We are all on the mend in this family! Hopefully 2018 will be better for all of us.
-Warrior Mom
Tell Me You Love Me
No matter how old we grow
No matter how far we wander
There’s a little bit of child in each of us
That is just a little insecure
And though I may know in my heart
That the people I love really care
I need the reassurance of a comforting word
It’s got to be heard, I need to hear you say it
Tell me that you love me Tell me you care
In words of simple honesty and pride
That armor of security will help me be strong
When things have gone wrong
So won’t you let me hear it
A word to awaken the heart
A phrase to restore the spirit
Though it may be such a little thing to you
It is so important to me
For though you may think I am strong
My confidence needs a mirror
And I need the reassurance of a comforting word
It’s got to be heard I need to hear you say it
by Joyce Eilers
Tips for parents
When a child is struggling with depression this impacts everyone in the house in different ways. Taking care of the child in crisis is a priority and during this time the family is off balance.
Daily routines that were easy and predictable can become tiresome and difficult. Parents understandably are focused on the child in crisis while the other children tend to function on auto pilot. They can be at their best, while silently worrying, not wanting to create what they believe will make things more stressful.
Tips for parents:
Remember that there is support in your community for the entire family. Call your child’s school social worker or psychologist. Not only will they be able to support your child in school if needed, they can refer you to therapists in your community. Another resource is your pediatrician or family doctor for referrals.
Geri Helfand, LCSW
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February 24th, 2018
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