CHOICES

ver the past months my 19-year-old daughter has been impossible to live with. It was time to help her mature and learn that personal choices always lead to consequences…positive and negative.

I, too, have choices, which I presented to my child regarding where she could live outside of our home. The final decision was up to her.

First, she could live on the street, as there are shelters available to sleep in. As her mother, I did not like this choice but felt it needed to be on the list of possibilities.

Second, she could live with a friend. This option meant getting a job while living on her own and hoping the friend would put up with her.

The third choice was to rent a month-to-month apartment close to me. I would pay for the apartment and set the rules. I hoped she would chose this alternative, which comes with huge responsibilities as well as the independence she desperately craves.

Since the apartment would legally be mine all rules would be followed to the letter; her boyfriend will not move in, if the premises are destroyed ~ the natural consequence would be living on the street or with a friend as management would kick her out, get up and go to school on her own, find a paying job, keep the apartment clean and neat…or not, adhere to a budget we would establish together. Since I would buy weekly groceries, her living expenses would be minimal.

A few weeks ago my daughter moved into her own apartment. Easy choice! It came furnished with sheets, towels, pots and pans, which saved me a lot of money. She was very excited to have her own place and I was cautious not to do too much as I wanted her to take responsibility for her own things. I did, however, pack her clothes at my home in duffle bags and delivered them to her apartment complex. She got the cart from the office, loaded the duffle bags on it and unpacked everything herself.

I didn’t even go upstairs. We went grocery shopping and she chose her own food. She likes to cook so she chose meat, veggies and fruits. I felt proud she was a healthy food shopper. Once again, she had to get the cart, take the groceries to her apartment, unpack the groceries and bring the cart downstairs. This was the most responsibility she had ever had!

I actually think she liked it.

She really enjoys her apartment, but still has difficulties regarding school. Waking up and getting to school in the city on time, or at all, is still a problem. She learned she would have to leave her apartment earlier in order to not miss the train. She doesn’t have a car, so if she needs things, she can call me, or take an Uber to the store.

Most importantly, she is learning that there are consequences to her actions. The problems with school remain. She goes to school randomly, but rarely does any work. Because my daughter CHOSE not to get up on time or do homework, a natural consequence occurred. Her college advisor told her that she was failing her classes and needed to withdraw.

Her actions created this consequence.

Working has been a successful experience. She works on data entry from home and sets her own hours. She likes her job and, of course, the money is a great incentive to keep at it.

She continues to make choices every day as we all do.

Should I get up in the morning?

Should I eat something healthy, not healthy, or not at all?

Should I make my bed? Should I stay up all night?

These are all choices that she has to make and learn from. She has already learned if she doesn’t get out of bed and to school, she will fail. She has learned that she needs to eat so that she has energy. She has learned that she can either make her bed or not. If she is having a friend over, she may want her apartment to look neat so she will make her bed. She has learned to go to bed when tired. She has even learned how to load, run the dishwasher and empty it! She already knew how to do laundry!

One tough choice that continues is having an unhealthy relationship with a troubled young man. Unfortunately, they are co-dependent on each other right now and are in a toxic relationship. I can’t keep them apart. That is her choice to stay together. If things get dangerous, then a restraining order may be the natural consequence. Remaining with this person is HER CHOICE and the consequences that follow are because of her choices.

Another tough choice for my daughter is the decision to take meds. Living with depression and bi polar, it is a must to take meds and she won’t. That is her choice, but she has faced consequences because of her choice not to take meds. This is one choice that I hope she makes so that she can see how meds will make her feel so much better. In the past, she has said that they make her feel “foggy”. I tell her it just takes time to find the right recipe.

Fingers crossed she will make the right choice.

Overall, I think moving into her own apartment was the best choice my daughter could have made. Many kids could be out on the street because their parents couldn’t afford to get an apartment. My daughter is lucky and I think she is realizing that now. Just in the last month, she has learned responsibility and independence. She has had struggles, but as long as she learns from them, I’m ok with it.

You have to make mistakes in order to learn.

She just has to realize that as a 19-year-old girl, she is old enough to make her own choices, but has to live with their consequences. She cannot blame anyone else but herself. I have faith, she will continue to learn from her choices and be successful.

Warrior Mother